I've had 2 real relationships & have slept with, what i feel is a pretty reasonable number of people in my 33yrs of life. I've been comfortable doing certain things, exploring, etc and of course enjoy playing with myself, watching porn, etc. Only recently and i give some credit to my time learning about, researching, exploring and discovering all the different fetishes/niches, my side adult gig, and whatever- i am starting to really and truly become comfortable with myself and what i enjoy sexually and otherwise.
Maybe it was just some random chance that I ended up meeting the individual who is the other part of my D/s dynamic. There's alittle bit of "Tea" I think is how my 16yr old would word it 🤔 so as much as I value Honesty for reasons related to not exposing too much of anyone's business I'll be brief. I we started talking idk August maybe 2024 texting or we he had mentioned he was curious about D/s the first few times we met in person (I know i can say I personally was ig nervous) I'm pretty sure he was too, it was not something I really did (oh ya I'm sure I mentioned in a previous post or something I had/have a profile on an Adult Companion [Escort] site. So, at that point *(and even to this day) I had only seen a couple other 'clients' and sex wasn't actually involved- so ya anyway I believe it was the 3rd time seeing him he wasn't aggressive or anything but I guess you could say was Trying to be alittle more Dominant I gave him head and he pushed my head down {As I write this I'm thinking on it from those first few meetings to where it's at ig dynamic wise- it's interesting to really look back at the start to current, I'm sure neither of us thought we'd be doing half of the stuff we do, nor that at least in my world, that I'd of learned/continue to learn about myself and the Fulfilling and Overall Great BDSM Kink/Fetish Friendly Community.
Last 2 times we did our thing there have been more "protocols" or "instructions " (unfortunately, leave it to me to of messed up 1st 2 of them this AM) after he clearly put some time into the full probably 2 page list he sent me last night for today- so that was another one of My Fails but I tried my best to redirect my brain and continue on. Though I ended up having another fucking 😢 time on my Uber ride home and briefly before going in my apartment. Idk part of me feels like I'm crazy but the other part also knows me and vibes and related shit is usually 1 thing I pick up on (blessing & curse) so ya I know the emotional aspect of all this, aftercare, etc I write constantly, and so on. I just feel (and in a small way I know I have 1 purpose in this and i don't have some delusional idea of things it is what it is honestly) but the feeling that I am there to serve a purpose/filling some missing spot for a temporary time until inevitably I'm used up and discarded. All those fun feelings are shitty as fuck, but at the same time valid. As much as I enjoy what we do and have been able to do/feel things I hadn't before, not to mention being more comfortable sexually than ever- it still makes me feel like dog shit half the time.
So I may of mentioned to him how the rest of my day didn't go well while we were doing regular night text, he asked what was wrong or whatever and I said I don't want to put my shit on anyone else, etc. Back to how I always try to be honest and push that as a big deal (because it is) instead of avoiding like my normal reaction is when it comes to anything 'feeling/emotion' related, I just tried to explain it as I could, which I'm going to note that I don't completely know why I got upset, not to mention cried.
I'm just gunna quote my own text- "It's fine appreciate you but I'm not tryna put my shit on anyone plus IDK what's wrong. I had a moment (the whole ride here- 😢I didn't even go in my house right away cuz I felt stupid) 😢that's not me n now I feel even more stupid for talking about it." He replied, "Your not putting it on me by telling me about it it's not like I'm gonna solve whatever is bothering you." (My last reply of the night) "It doesn't matter anyway + nothing was bothering me, so it's even more stupid. I'm over myself lol."
*PLEASE NOTE; I FEEL I MAY OF GOTTEN OFF TOPIC BUT IT KIND OF ALL FITS IN BUT I WILL PROBABLY (AS MY ADHD HYPERFOCUS SUPERPOWER HAS SHOWN ME) REVIEW ALL POSTS, PAGES, MY WRITING, ETC AND CREATE DESIGNATED TOPIC RELATED PAGES/POSTS.
THANK YOU FOR YOU PATIENCE AS I BELIEVE DEEPLY IN THIS AND TRULY LOVE WRITING, READING, LEARNING, MEETING, ETC TO TRY AND HELP CREATE A SPACE THAT CAN BE A POSITIVE CONTRIBUTION TO THE BDSM KINK/FETISH FRIENDLY COMMUNITY.
Xxx
🫠...TBC....
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